Quick answer: Dry spells are normal, caused by stress, life changes, health, hormones, or simply drifting apart physically. Coming back from one requires: naming it without blame ("I've missed us"), starting with non-sexual touch and connection, lowering the pressure for the first time back, and being patient with yourselves. The first time after a gap won't be your best sex ever, and that's fine. What matters is breaking the pattern and rebuilding momentum. Start small, communicate openly, and prioritise presence over performance.
There's a particular silence that develops in a relationship when sex hasn't happened in a while. Not an uncomfortable silence, exactly, more of a studied avoidance. Neither of you mentions it. You both feel it. It becomes the elephant in the bedroom. And the longer you don't mention it, the bigger the elephant gets, until bringing it up feels like defusing a bomb rather than starting a conversation. Here's the thing: the elephant is smaller than you think. The vast majority of dry spells are caused by completely mundane things, exhaustion, stress, hormonal shifts, a period where life demanded everything and sex got nothing. They're not a sign that the relationship is over. They're a sign that the relationship needs a gentle reboot. And the reboot is simpler than you'd expect.
Why dry spells happen (and why they're not a crisis)
The list of things that can cause a dry spell reads like a list of things that happen to every adult human: work stress, exhaustion, caring for small children, health issues (physical or mental), medication changes, hormonal shifts, body image struggles, grief, a period of emotional disconnection in the relationship, or simply falling into a routine where sex stopped being part of the equation and nobody noticed until it had been weeks.
A 2017 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that sexual frequency in relationships naturally fluctuates, and that temporary declines are not predictive of relationship dissolution. In other words: a dry spell is a phase, not a forecast. The couples who weather them well tend to share two traits, they talk about it without blaming each other, and they take small steps back toward physical intimacy rather than waiting for a dramatic catalyst.
The danger isn't the dry spell itself. It's the silence around it. When neither person names what's happening, both fill the gap with anxiety: "they don't want me anymore," "I've let them down," "maybe we've grown apart." Those stories compound the problem. Naming it, simply, kindly, is the first step toward resolving it.
Having the conversation (without making it worse)
The conversation about a dry spell is one of the most avoided and one of the most important. Here's how to have it without triggering a defensive spiral:
Lead with "I miss" not "you never"
"I've been missing being close to you" is an invitation. "You never initiate anymore" is an accusation. Same topic, completely different emotional landing. Frame it as something you want more of, not something your partner is failing at. This isn't about managing their ego, it's about creating a conversation where both of you feel safe enough to be honest.
Name the elephant
"I've noticed it's been a while since we were physical together, and I wanted to check in about how you're feeling about that." That's it. That's the sentence. It acknowledges the gap without assigning blame and opens space for your partner to share what's going on for them. Their answer might surprise you, it could be stress, it could be a medication side effect, it could be something about the relationship they've been afraid to bring up. You won't know until you ask.
Listen more than you problem-solve
When your partner shares why they haven't been in the mood, resist the urge to immediately fix it. "Have you tried..." or "why don't you just..." shuts down vulnerability. "That makes sense. I'm glad you told me" keeps it open. Sometimes being heard is the thing that starts the thaw.
Rebuilding physical connection (start way smaller than you think)
The mistake people make after a dry spell is trying to go from zero to full sex in one leap. The gap has created performance pressure, anxiety about whether it'll be awkward, and potentially a disconnect in physical comfort. Trying to jump straight to sex amplifies all of that.
Stage one: non-sexual touch
Before anything sexual happens, rebuild comfortable physical contact. Hold hands. Hug for longer than a second. Sit close on the couch. Give a back rub that doesn't lead anywhere. These micro-contacts rebuild the bridge that sex will eventually cross, and they do it without pressure. If touch has been absent for a while, even holding hands might feel unfamiliar, that's okay. Unfamiliar is where reconnection starts.
Stage two: sensual touch
Touch that's intimate but not explicitly sexual. Running your hand along their body. Kissing their neck. A massage that's genuinely about pleasure, not a prelude to something else (even if it becomes one). This stage reacquaints your bodies with each other and starts reactivating the physical pathways of desire. Let it be its own thing. If it leads somewhere, great. If it doesn't, it still did important work.
Stage three: the low-pressure return
When you do have sex again, take the pressure off completely. It doesn't need to be mind-blowing. It doesn't need to last an hour. It doesn't need to involve multiple orgasms or acrobatic positions. It just needs to happen. Reframe the first time back as a reconnection rather than a performance. Use a vibrator if it helps, something like the Muse can ease the pressure of "getting there" when your body is still recalibrating to sexual contact. The goal isn't spectacular sex. It's breaking the drought and proving to yourselves that you can.
Managing the awkwardness
Let's be real: the first time after a long gap can feel a bit clunky. Bodies are out of practice. Timing is off. Someone might not be able to finish, or might finish too quickly, or might feel weirdly emotional about the whole thing. All of this is fine.
The best approach is to name the awkwardness rather than pretend it isn't there. "This feels a bit weird, doesn't it?" said with a smile diffuses the tension instantly. Laughing together during sex is one of the most connecting things you can do, it means you're both present, both honest, and neither of you is performing. Awkward sex that both people are genuine about is infinitely better than polished sex where someone is faking it.
Rebuilding momentum
One time doesn't fix a dry spell. It's the start of a pattern, not the end of the conversation. After the first time, you need to maintain contact, not necessarily sex every day, but enough physical and emotional connection that the gap doesn't quietly re-form.
Schedule it (seriously)
This sounds unromantic. It's actually the most practical advice available. Put a recurring date in the calendar, not "sex night" but "us time", where you're both available, screens are away, and the evening is for each other. What happens within that time is flexible. Some weeks it'll be sex. Some weeks it'll be a massage and a conversation. Both count. The point is maintaining the space. Our keeping the spark alive hub has more on this.
Keep the non-sexual touch going
Don't let physical contact retreat back to functional exchanges. Keep hugging, kissing properly, touching casually. This is the connective tissue that prevents future dry spells, it keeps the physical channel between you open even when sex itself isn't happening.
Talk about what worked
After reconnecting sexually, tell each other what you enjoyed. "I really liked when you..." reinforces the positive and gives you both something to look forward to. It also normalises ongoing sexual communication, which is the single best predictor of long-term sexual satisfaction.
Solo play as a bridge back
If you've been in a dry spell, your own relationship with your body may have gotten dusty too. Reconnecting with yourself sexually, through masturbation, through exploring what still feels good, through reminding your body that pleasure is something it's capable of, is a valid step in the process. Solo play isn't a substitute for partnered sex; it's a complement. It keeps the desire circuitry active, reduces the pressure on partnered encounters, and gives you clearer information about what you want. If your usual approach has gotten stale, try something different, the Empress Tidal offers the kind of intensity that can wake up a body that's been on standby. Browse the VUSH collection for something that feels like a fresh start.
When the dry spell is a symptom of something bigger
Not all dry spells are equal. Some are caused by passing circumstances that resolve on their own. Others are symptoms of deeper issues that need attention:
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Unresolved relationship conflict: If there's resentment, unprocessed hurt, or a breakdown in emotional trust, sex is usually the first thing to go. The dry spell won't resolve until the underlying issue does. Couples therapy can help.
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Mental health: Depression, anxiety, and PTSD all significantly affect desire. If one or both of you are struggling, addressing mental health is the priority — sexual reconnection will follow when the foundation is more stable.
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Medication:
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Physical health:
If your dry spell feels rooted in something bigger than "we got busy," professional support is available. A sex therapist or couples counsellor who understands desire discrepancy can help you navigate back to each other. NHS Sexual Health Services can help you find specialised support in the UK.
A note for the person who wants it more
If you're the one who's been missing sex more acutely, this section is for you. It's hard to be the person who wants something their partner isn't offering. It can feel like rejection, even when you know intellectually that it isn't. A few things to remember: your partner's reduced desire is almost certainly not about you. Desire is affected by dozens of factors, most of which have nothing to do with attraction. Pressuring them, through guilt, passive-aggressive comments, or persistent initiating, will push them further away, not closer. Instead: name what you're feeling ("I miss being close to you" rather than "we never have sex"), ask how they're doing, and create low-pressure opportunities for reconnection. Patience is unsexy advice but it's accurate advice.
A note for the person who's not feeling it
And if you're the one whose desire has gone quiet, this is for you. You're not broken. You haven't failed your partner. Desire is not a fixed trait, it fluctuates based on circumstances, health, stress, hormones, and relationship dynamics. The fact that you're not in the mood right now doesn't mean you'll never be in the mood again. What helps: communicating honestly about where you are ("I want to want it, but I'm struggling"), staying physically connected in non-sexual ways, exploring what might help (less pressure, more foreplay, different timing, a new approach), and being open to responsive desire, which means you might not feel like it before starting, but you might once things get going.
Related reads
More from this series: Keeping the Spark Alive · 10 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life · Mismatched Libidos · Date Night Ideas
FAQs
How long is a "normal" dry spell?
There is no normal. Some couples go a week and call it a drought; others go months and aren't bothered. The length isn't the metric that matters, what matters is whether both people are okay with it. If one or both of you are unhappy with the frequency, that's worth addressing regardless of the number of weeks.
Should we see a therapist?
If you've tried the gentle approaches, conversation, non-sexual touch, low-pressure re-engagement, and nothing's shifting after a couple of months, or if the dry spell is accompanied by emotional distance, resentment, or conflict, then yes, a counsellor or sex therapist can help. This isn't a sign of failure. It's a sign of two people who want to fix something and are willing to get support doing it.
What if the first time back is terrible?
Then it's terrible, and you laugh about it, and you try again. The first time back is almost never the best time back. It's the bravest time back. Give yourselves grace, communicate about what worked and what didn't, and remember that every subsequent time will be easier. The hardest part is already done.
Can a dry spell actually be healthy?
Sometimes, yes. If the dry spell came from a genuine need, recovery from illness, processing a major life event, a period of personal recalibration, it might be exactly what one or both of you needed. The issue isn't the pause; it's whether you come back from it intentionally or let it become the new default. A deliberate return to intimacy after a necessary pause can actually strengthen the relationship.
Sources
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Muise, A. et al. (2016). Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(4), 295-302.
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McNulty, J.K. et al. (2016). Beyond initial attraction: Physical attractiveness in newlywed marriage. Journal of Family Psychology, 22(1), 135-143.
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Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are. Simon & Schuster.
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NHS Sexual Health Services — sexual health support in the UK.