Somatic Sexologist Lillie Brown
Sexuality is as unique as your fingerprint. For neurodivergent people (whether you’re ADHD, autistic, or living with another form of neurodivergence), it can be even more complex. The way you experience pleasure, desire, and even what turns you off will likely change based on your sensory sensitivities, nervous system, and emotional bandwidth at any given time. The key to having better sex as a neurodivergent person lies in understanding yourself and giving yourself permission to create a sexual experience that works for you.
Here’s the lowdown on how you can work with your body and mind, not against it, to live your best (sex) life.
The Mind-Body Connection
Understanding the connection between your body and mind starts with interoception—your ability to sense internal states like hunger, thirst, or temperature. For many neurodivergent people, particularly those living with chronic pain or illness, this awareness can be challenging to navigate. Poor interoceptive awareness can lead to difficulty in identifying basic needs, which can significantly affect your desire and arousal.
Consider the impact of being dehydrated, tired, or hungry: these states can play a massive role in whether you feel in the mood. Being hangry is not an aphrodisiac! ADHD and autistic nervous systems tend to be more rigid than allistic nervous systems and they experience stimuli far more intensely, making it easier to become dysregulated. When dysregulation occurs, communication capacity can shift (ever gone nonverbal when you’re overstimulated?), sensory sensitivities can increase, and interoceptive awareness can plummet.
Nervous system dysregulation amplifies the everyday challenges neurodivergent people experience, and long periods of dysregulation or frequent dysregulation cause neurodivergent burnout. Neurodivergent burnout is a phenomenon distinct from occupational burnout or depression and is caused by an environment that feels too chaotic or overwhelming, leading to a depletion of energy and coping resources. It’s not just about being tired—it’s when your environment overwhelms your brain and body to the point of shutdown. Healing from neurodivergent burnout means prioritising recovery above all else. Some people find that pleasure can be a form of recovery, while others need to put sex on the back burner until they feel regulated again.
If you’re experiencing neurodivergent burnout but want to turn towards pleasure, consider sticking to familiar sexual activities, embracing lower-demand options like mutual masturbation, or exploring low-pressure ways to cultivate intimacy such as shared showers, baths or massages. The emphasis here is on creating a comforting, low-pressure environment that fosters connection without expectation.
It’s also essential to identify non-verbal cues that signal hard boundaries and preferences. For example, a simple gesture or sign can communicate comfort levels and desires if you can’t find your words.
Expert tip: When you’re in burnout but want to connect sexually, stick with activities you know feel good to avoid a high communication load and reduce decision-making.
Understanding Your Sensory Sensitivities
Sensory sensitivities are common among neurodivergent individuals. Your sensory world is different from neurotypical folks. This heightened sensitivity can evoke strong reactions to certain sounds, textures, or smells, which means you may be acutely aware of both turn-ons and turn-offs in the bedroom. For example, if you’re sensory-seeking, you might crave new and intense sensations (hello, BDSM or new sex toys!). If you’re sensory-avoidant, the very thought of being touched might feel overwhelming.
People with ADHD tend to be sensory-seeking, flooding their systems with dopamine for that euphoric rush. If you find your mind wandering or distracted during sex, introducing new elements can reignite desire. Consider exploring different sex toys (Empress Tidal or Majesty 2 are top-tier picks!), trying out new dynamics like dom/sub play, or experimenting with new sex acts. Training for specific sexual activities—like anal play—can be super hot, cultivating a rush of motivation and pleasure.
Autistic people, in particular, can be very sensitive to touch. Ever been softly caressed and felt annoyed instead of aroused? You’re not alone. Understanding your sensory profile—what feels good and what doesn’t—is key to creating pleasurable sexual experiences on your own terms.
However, keep in mind that new sensations can be confusing or overwhelming, particularly for autistic folks. It’s completely normal to feel apprehensive about change. Just because a new experience feels uncomfortable initially doesn’t mean it’s off the table forever. Give yourself grace and time to adjust to new pleasures, focusing on what feels good rather than adhering to a strict script.
Our sensory profiles are not static; they can vary from day to day. One day you might crave a gentle touch, while the next that same sensation feels unbearable. Embrace this fluidity without judgement.
Expert tip for ADHD brains: If you’re prone to getting distracted during sex, amp up the novelty. Try new positions, experiment with different toys, or create a role-play scene. Dopamine thrives on novelty, and your desire will too.
Managing Overstimulation, Understimulation, and Task Switching
How regulated we are influences our sexual functioning. You might find yourself either overstimulated or understimulated during sex, and both can affect your ability to stay present.
Understimulated? This happens a lot with ADHD brains, where your mind starts wandering in the heat of the moment. If you notice yourself getting distracted, consider this a cue to add more stimulation or novelty to your sexual experience. If this sounds familiar, you can layer your pleasure experience to keep your brain engaged. Add more sensory input—a blindfold to heighten your other senses, more intense touch or vibrations, or even a different type of stimulation like watching your partner masturbate or trying out a new sex toy.
Overstimulated? If you’re autistic, overstimulation might hit you harder. Too many sensations at once can send you into a sensory overload, making it impossible to enjoy sex. In that case, it’s vital to pause, take a breath, and engage with something soothing—perhaps a special interest or a sensory tool like a weighted blanket to help you regulate.
Transitioning from your daily life to being open to pleasure isn’t always seamless. In fact, it can feel jarring—particularly if your monotropic focus makes switching between tasks difficult. Enter: erotic bridges. Erotic bridges are a term coined by sex therapist Casey Tanner and they include a broad range of activities that create a bridge to sexual intimacy by cultivating anticipation and connection. This could look like a shared shower, massages, date nights, watching porn or reading erotica, or a non-sexual form of touch. Erotic bridges act as gentle cues to shift into a more sensual mindset.
Expert tip: Consider what might help you get in the mood for pleasure, regulate your nervous system, and feel connected to your body and partner. Then try it out! This is about experimentation.
Here’s a bunch of practical ideas and tools you can try.
- Map your sensory profile. Whether you’re ADHD, autistic, or both, understanding your sensory needs and sensitivities is invaluable. If you can’t figure out what types of touch, sounds, and sensations make you feel good, it’s hard to be present in the boudoir. Create a sensory map for yourself—and share it with your partner. Let them know what feels good, what’s overwhelming, and when you might need a break.
- Use nonverbal cues. For many autistic people, going nonverbal during sex is common. Whether it’s due to overstimulation or intense pleasure, having a system of nonverbal communication is important. Work out signals with your partner to indicate boundaries or when you need to stop without having to verbally articulate it.
- Take your time with foreplay. Neurodivergent people often need more time to transition into sex. Give yourself the space to sink into your body and enjoy outercourse and the build-up of pleasure. There’s no rush! You might want to engage in sensory activities first, like massages, before leaning into an explicitly sexual context to ease yourself into the experience.
- Do one thing at a time. If you find it overwhelming to give and receive pleasure simultaneously or if it pushes you past your sensory limits, dial it back. Try taking turns giving or receiving in each moment, so there’s a narrower focus.
- Create a sensory-friendly environment. Whether you need music to help regulate your body or mood lighting to reduce visual overwhelm, your environment can make all the difference. Play with different sensory inputs to find what helps you relax and enjoy the experience.
Being neurodivergent means your sexual needs and desires might look different from what society considers "normal." But sex is about co-creating a pleasurable, intimate, and consensual experience that works for you. Whether that means slow, sensual play or intense, dopamine-fueled sessions, there’s no right or wrong way to enjoy sex as a neurodivergent person. Give yourself permission to explore and redefine pleasure on your terms.
